Navigating the Fine Line Between Fundraiser and Donor
Scaling Major Gifts. Strategies, action steps, and ideas for scaling major gifts by Tammy Zonker, Major Gift Expert & Keynote Speaker.
After thirty years in major gifts, I’ve seen the transformative power of strong donor relationships. But I’ve also seen the pitfalls when those relationships cross from professional stewardship into personal friendship. Let me share why, in my experience, maintaining professional boundaries isn’t just best practice—it’s essential for the health of both your organization and your own well-being.
The Temptation (and Danger) of Friendship
Early in my career, I heard a story that stuck with me. A major donor described his relationship with a fundraiser as so close, she felt like a daughter to him. The result? She never asked him for a gift. Their friendship, while genuine, blurred the lines so thoroughly that she couldn’t fulfill her role as an advocate for her organization.
This isn’t a one-off scenario. According to the 2023 Fundraising Effectiveness Project, 70% of donors say their relationship with the fundraiser influences their giving decisions. That’s a powerful statistic—but it’s a double-edged sword. When the relationship becomes too personal, it can create an emotional “guilt trap” that makes the act of asking for support feel exploitative, rather than mission-driven.
Common Pain Points: Guilt, Burnout, and Ethical Dilemmas
In my experience, the most common challenges arise from:
Guilt and Hesitation: When a fundraiser feels like they’re asking a friend for money, guilt creeps in. This can lead to hesitation, avoidance, or even resentment—none of which serve your mission.
Burnout: Emotional entanglement is exhausting. A 2022 study by the Association of Fundraising Professionals found that 45% of fundraisers experience burnout related to the emotional stress of donor relationships.
Ethical Dilemmas: The Nonprofit Ethics Survey 2024 reported that 30% of fundraisers have encountered ethical dilemmas due to blurred boundaries with donors. When friendship clouds judgment, it’s easy to lose sight of your role as a steward of the organization’s mission.
The Risks of Blurred Lines
Here’s what I’ve seen (and sometimes learned the hard way):
Manipulation and Power Imbalances: Friendship can create an unspoken obligation, where donors give out of loyalty to you—not to the cause.
Loss of Objectivity: It becomes harder to assess a donor’s true capacity and interest when you’re focused on maintaining a personal rapport.
Unethical Behavior: In extreme cases, blurred boundaries have led to scandals involving favoritism or even illegal activities.
Emotional Burnout: The emotional burden of asking friends for money can quickly sap your passion and effectiveness.
Practical Strategies: How to Maintain Healthy Boundaries
Over the years, I’ve developed a few core strategies that have served me—and my teams—well:
Always Focus on the Mission: Remind yourself and your donors that your primary responsibility is to the organization, not to any one individual.
Be Transparent: Clearly communicate your role and intentions. Donors respect honesty.
Professional Stewardship: Engage donors in ways that are meaningful, but not personal. For example, invite them to events, share impact reports, and celebrate milestones—without crossing into personal territory.
Seek Peer Support: When boundaries feel unclear, talk with colleagues or supervisors. Sometimes, bringing in another staff member can help reset the relationship.
Use Tools That Reinforce Professionalism: I’ve found donor management systems like DonorPerfect, Bloomerang, Little Green Light, Classy, and Network for Good invaluable for tracking interactions and keeping stewardship professional.
A Real-World Example: The Power of Boundaries
Consider the case of one of the organizations I work with. A major gift officer there developed a close friendship with a donor, which led to hesitation in asking for support. Recognizing the problem, the organization implemented stewardship training and clear professional boundaries. The result? A 27% increase in major gifts within a year. This underscores that boundaries aren’t barriers—they’re the foundation for effective, ethical fundraising.
Recommended Tools for Professional Stewardship
Here are a few products and services I recommend to help keep your donor relationships professional and mission-focused:
DonorPerfect: Tracks relationships and supports professional stewardship.
Bloomerang: Focuses on donor retention and engagement with professional communication tools.
Little Green Light: Supports ethical fundraising and clear stewardship.
Classy: Integrates donor management with campaign tracking.
Givebutter: Designed to help nonprofits build professional donor relationships.
Actionable Takeaways
If you’re looking to strengthen your boundaries (and your fundraising results), here’s what I suggest:
Review your current donor relationships for signs of blurred boundaries.
Set clear expectations with donors about your role and the organization’s mission.
Use donor management tools to track communications and keep stewardship professional.
Provide regular stewardship training for your team.
Encourage open conversations about boundary challenges within your organization.
Stewardship, Not Friendship
In my experience, the most successful fundraisers are those who build relationships rooted in respect, transparency, and shared purpose—not personal obligation.
Let’s commit to being the best possible stewards of our organizations’ missions—and of our own well-being. If you’ve faced challenges with boundaries, or have strategies that have worked for you, I’d love to hear from you. Comment below or connect with me on LinkedIn and share your experiences, ask questions, and let’s keep this important conversation going.
Keep scaling,
Tammy Zonker
Major Gift Expert & Keynote Speaker
President, Fundraising Transformed
President & Dean, Modern Institute for Charitable Giving