114. Becoming Ken: What Fundraisers Can Learn about Dignity, Trust, and Self-Worth
About this episode
Have you ever looked at someone who seemed to “have it all together” and assumed their journey had been smooth?
In my recent conversation with Ken Miller, CFRE—fundraising consultant, and dynamic speaker, and author of Becoming Ken: One Black Man's Journey From Ivy League to Prison and Back Again—I was reminded that behind every smiling face in our sector, there’s a deeper, often untold story. Ken’s path has taken him from the heights of Ivy League success to the depths of prison, and back to a life of impact and integrity. The lessons he’s learned aren’t just about survival—they’re about thriving, leading with love, showing empathy, and building resilience in the face of setbacks.
If you’ve ever struggled with donor power dynamics, fatigue, shame, or balancing compassion for others with compassion for yourself—this conversation will give you practical tools, a mindset shift, and renewed hope for your own journey as a nonprofit leader or fundraiser.
The Power of Seeing Beyond the Cover
One of the most striking things Ken said was that, when he graduated from Dartmouth—tall, charismatic, well-spoken—people assumed he had a perfect life. But under the surface, he was wrestling with personal pain and self-destructive choices.
That experience transformed how he sees people. As fundraisers, we often meet donors, volunteers, and colleagues without truly seeing the depth of their journey. Ken reminded me that empathy isn't just another competency—it’s “a flavor of love.” If philanthropy means “love of mankind,” empathy is how we embody it in our daily work.
And it’s not just for donors. Ken admitted there was a time when he was kinder to donors and executives than to his peers or direct reports. Learning to treat everyone with equal dignity changed his leadership. How often do we extend grace upward, but not sideways or down? What would happen if empathy truly became our baseline with every stakeholder—colleague, donor, and community member alike?
Respect, Trust & the Unwritten Rules
Ken’s time in prison reshaped his understanding of trust and respect. “Trust,” he told me, “is a belief in a perceived future action.” Whether you’re working inside a penitentiary or managing major donor relationships, trust is earned in the small consistencies over time.
In fundraising, so much lives in the space of unspoken rules—how we navigate power dynamics, respond to microaggressions or inappropriate behavior, and decide when to walk away from a gift that comes at the cost of our self-respect. Ken's advice? Always have counsel—someone you can trust when those moments arise. And if a situation crosses from discomfort into feeling unsafe, leave. No donation is worth your dignity.
He also spoke about understanding cultural norms—whether it’s respecting timing around faith-based holidays, being intentional in language, or learning community-specific customs. “It almost comes back to love,” Ken reminded me. Respect flows from valuing the humanity of the person in front of us.
From Shame to Self-Esteem
Ken openly shared how he navigated shame—a feeling that says I am less than—and how he learned to separate that from guilt, which says I did something wrong.
For fundraisers, it’s easy to internalize a “no” as personal failure. Ken reframed it: a donor’s “no” or “not now” isn’t about your worth—it’s about timing, priorities, or circumstances beyond your control. Learning to detach events from identity is transformative.
Ken calls himself “good people” because he’s built a track record of esteemable acts—big and small—that align with his values. He encourages all of us to keep tangible evidence of the good we’ve done, both in our lives and our work. For his mentees, Ken always begins with, “Tell me about a win.” That habit reinforces self-worth and builds resilience—qualities we all need in fundraising, where persistence is essential.
Resilience: What You Do and What You Don’t Do
Resilience, Ken says, is “coming back from the setback.” That starts with knowing your baseline truth—emotionally, spiritually, physically, intellectually—and guarding your integrity.
But resilience is also about what you don’t do. One of his rules: “I don’t play in the gray.” He intentionally avoids situations that could conflict with his values or commitments. In fundraising, that may mean setting boundaries with donors, creating work habits that safeguard your mental health, or protecting your time from burnout-inducing overload.
Ken ended our conversation with advice I think every nonprofit professional should hear: help others in the profession, invest in yourself, find mentors, develop your public speaking skills, and—most importantly—know and articulate your “why.” When you’re clear about why you’re in this work, you can weather the rejections, celebrate the wins, and keep showing up with love and respect.
No Past Mistake Defines Us
Spending time with Ken Miller was a masterclass in resilience, integrity, and the deep connection between who we are and how we fundraise. His journey proves that no past mistake defines us, and no obstacle is greater than our capacity to grow, love, and lead with empathy.
If you take nothing else from this, remember: extend respect to everyone, separate your worth from the outcomes of your asks, and keep tangible reminders of the good you’ve done. As Ken says, fundraising is really about gratitude—it’s about thanking people and loving the communities we serve.
I’d love to hear your reflections. What part of Ken’s story inspired you most? Leave a comment below and share this post with colleagues or board members who could benefit from this perspective—and be sure to listen to the full conversation for even more wisdom.
With heaps of gratitude,
Tammy Zonker
Major Gift Expert & Keynote Speaker
Our guest
Ken Miller, President, Denali FSP Fundraising Consultants
LinkedIn / X / Instagram / Facebook / Contact / Website
“Empathy is just another flavor of love. If you truly believe in philanthropy, it will be easier for you to be empathetic.”
Ken Miller, President, Denali FSP Fundraising Consultants
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